Hunting high, hunting low

Harry says it's a high road on your own you've got to learn the way you do...why not? why not nothing?(still looking for a job).

Harry is looking for a job...and listening to the Arctic Monkeys.

Harry is looking for a job...and freezing!

I put it to you, Harry, that if you did a bit more actual looking for a job and a bit less actual updating your meaningless status on facebook you might stand a significantly better chance of acutally getting a FUCKING JOB. Ahem. Just a thought.

Did the earth move for you?

John is hoping there are no aftershocks when he goes back to bed.

Chris survived the Yorkshire earth quake…

Lucy must stop reading about earthquakes on wikipedia and go back to bed.

Donna is so freaked out by the Earth Quake last night

Jill is very glad she didn’t imagine that!

And that was just the tip of the iceberg my friends. Come on it was hardly San Fran-fucking-cisco 1906 was it? Some bloke got a little bit hurt by a chimney. Good job this lot weren't caught up in the tsuanami, I imaigne its much harder to cling to a rock if one of your hands is desperately trying to access your mobile WAP at the same time....

No, you didn't

Colin shot Castro

No, you didn't. You don't even know what a gun looks like, save for those ones used in the numerous editions of star trek you can recite off by heart.

Vanessa has gone 2 days wih no cigarettes. Whoo Hoo!

If you do manage to give up altogether, will this be a daily feature? I imagine this may get quiet tedious - even for you - after let's say, well 2 days maybe?

Keely is glad to be alive after surviving an elephant stampede in the jungle

I'm on holiday! I'm on holiday! I'm on Holiday! I'm on holiday! I'm on holiday! Oh fuck off.

You thought wrong....

Andy is having an apalling day at work and I thought everyone might like to know! :)

I'll give you some credit, Andy, you've at least highlighted why a status update is a waste of time - because, contrary to your belief nobody would actually like to know. But well done, you're at least aware of your own self-serving nature.

Update me do, you know I love you

Jane is thinking where her flowers are?????? xx.

They aren't coming Jane. You're lonely aren't you. And no amount of updating is going to change

Sonia is wondering where the 10 valentines cards came from.

Translation: Sonia hasn't got a single Valentine card.

Kevin is gutted. Post lady just been and aint left a single Valentines card.:)

Very much like evrey other year of your lonely existence then eh kev?

I'm waiting for the first postman/ bad back based crack, it can only be moments away. In the mean time someone is actually having a good valentines...

Fran is looking forward to her romantic evening that is being planned this very moment - bless him!

Or… I’VE GOT A BOYFRIEND, I’VE GOT A BOYFRiEND, I’VE GOT A BOYFRIEND.

Personally I’d be a little less keen to advertise that my significant other was organising things so late in the day. Kind of suggests that they might have been holding out for someone better to come along no?

Jane still has no flowers!!!! xx and just read Lisa's status and am so gutted Trish has 3 and I have 0!!! xx.

Keep us posted Jane, I don't expect them to arrive any time soon....but I'm pretty fucking sure you'll let me know if they do.

Ticket to sigh..

Kev is wondering if any of his lovely facebook friends fancy watching Duffy? Tickets go on sale 9am Fri 15 Feb.

Or, if you will, I haven't got ANY real friends at all otherwise I'd call them up and ask them. Or perhaps ask them when I see them. So I'll put out an appeal to the few people I vaugely know on an internet site, using an application absolutely built for loners, weirdos and nobody's like me.

Paul is happy.

Ah constant running emotional cyber commentry. The sign of a real man.

The meek and the....

Ben is mildly fed up.

It's the use of the word 'mildly' here that bothers me. If your emotion towards whatever thing can only best be described as 'mild', then it pretty much doesn't matter does it?

If you're 'mildly' against child-prostitution that kind of suggests you can just about stomach it where required. So as with in this update, if you're 'mildly' fed up then you can probably manage to get on with it.

And not, thereby, bother me and your other 150 mates with your 'mild' state of disillusionment with something that I shan't bother to find out any more about. As that, ben, would be a waste of my time.

Don't stop...

NATALIE is debating what to put in this damn box.

Right, so you're admitting that you don't actually have any need/reason to update your status here. You don't even have anything mundane to share with the world. All you have to share is the lack of anything to share.

Fuck me, has someone got a gun to your head saying 'update your status or die', 'just put something in the damn box'. If so, they're the worst terrorists with the worst set of demands ever, and well done for being kidnapped by them, I hope you aren't released in time for another pointless fucking update. How have you enlightened anyones world by sharing this with us?

I actually think this is the worst one I've ever seen. At least some, while ultimately frivolous, actually let people know about stuff. All this has achieved is informing me how empty your life is.

But then just a few hours later, the following happens, and the whole 'worst one ever seen' thing has to be reviewed. Because....

Polly is going to bed now.

Does Polly honestly think anyone reading that actually gives a flying one? Or has she reached a new low whereby the facebook page is treated as a pleasantly benign live in elder relative; one who should be conversed with as if he/she was sitting in the corner of the living room, in an arm chair, watching Film 08 whilst Polly goes upstairs to do her teeth put her pjs on?

I'd love to find out, and if the above is in any way representative of Pollys attitude to public domain/her life interface I probably will. Quite soon.

Fill your boots, this is my version of 'super Tuesday'....

Esther is excited about the new netball season.

Esther I’m exicited about having a massive post curry dump this morning. It’s going to be as immense as it is enjoyable as it is messy.
What? Too much information? Exactly….



Georgie is in pain... in oh so many ways!

So are my eyes are now I'd like to think that this is because, at the time of updating, Georgie was being made 'air tight, if you are aware of that term from the 'special interest' movies that, I understand, are available on line. She almost certainly wasn't, but it's the only way, the only way, I'd be vaguely interested

Jessica is heading home tomorrow, bye bye India, hello Miami!!!

You're from the Home Counties, Miami isn't fucking home and calling it that doesn't make you a) any cooler b) more interesting or C Will Smith (who admittedly isn't actually from Miami but I understand he is a huge fan). Fuck me for a moment I thought I’d accidentally become friends with Gloria Estefan or at the very least one of the ‘Sound Machine’

Eternal Summershine of a pointless update...

Paul is looking for a new flat and is hating it

I'm no expert in the property game but I'd suggest that if you spent more time looking for said flat and less time updating your facebook the whole unpleasant experience would be over quicker.

And I wouldn't have to read about it

Double bonus

Phil is knackered.

Now if you were knackered for a decent reason, say you'd recently decided you were homosexual and had popped out for your first cruise last night, this would be worth posting . As it is shut up.

Ali is excited about her 80s night!

I'm not. And I think I speak for the majority.


James is wishing summer would go on forever.

James isn't actually a slightly backward 12 year old. Not that you'd know it reading the above.

When words are not enough

Samantha is all yoga-ed up
I've nothing to add. There are no words that can make that better or worse

Not enough hours in the update

Jade is realising just how quickly 24hrs goes...

Roughly, if I'm not mistaken it takes around 24 hours to pass through a period of 24 hours. A day, in layman's terms.

I know that you are a woman of 26. If it has taken you this long to calculate this startlingly obvious fact, and you feel sufficiently proud to announce this to all of your friends as though it were some sort of achievement, then you really should have paid a shitload more attention while you were at school.

For the very latest we cross to....

Sarah has just found out about Camden :-(

Late Monday evening that one hit 'the wires'. Sarah, love, if you spent a bit less time updating your own status, you might be up to speed with the rest of the world. Still don't go changing too quickly, I'm already to looking forward to tomorrows revelations about how you are sad about Diana and a little miffed with Judas for royally stitching up that nice Mr Nazareth.

Eats, shoots and updates.

Mark has known this for a while... but it's still all about Ryan Phillippe.

What exactly is still all about Ryan Phillippe?

Ryan Phillippes biography?

Really, I'd have thought that was a given...

Emily is two sleeps from Athens woo hoo

What the fuckety fuck is this two sleeps business? This is far, far, from the first example I've seen of this. For centuries, longer maybe, we've got along quiet nicely using the measurement of days and nights, why change? Why now?

Also it leaves Emily, and others, in quite a pickle if they decide to take a nap one afternoon.
Do they then rebook their tickets a day earlier? Cos they really should. It may set them back a few more quid, it may be inconvenient , it may play havoc with the cat sitting arrangements but frankly tough shit.

They'd only have themselves to blame.

A bullet for this valentine?

Marie is looking forward to boycotting the obligatory V-day schmaltz and is planning on getting...well...fucked

In other words, she's going to get unattractively pissed, sing some Destiny's Child out of key and cry. Not neceasrily in that order.

For the love of god it's only the 11th, this is going to get worse before it gets better ladies and gents.

This is the modern way.

Kat is waiting for the weekend: plenty of chillaxing to be done

Even if, and god I’m being generous here, this is meant as irony, you are still letting a lot of people know you will be spending the next few days shovelling hagen daaz into your gob whilst watching ‘Sex and the City’ DVDs. No amount of buzz words can dress that up.

Stating the bleeding..

Sarah likes the sunshine....

Paul is looking forward to the weekend.

Tash wishes it was 5.30pm NOW....

Wow, really? Well get this, I'm a huge fan of breathing it and out, in fact, you could say, I'm all about it. Better go and tell a few hundred people quick smart.

About last night

Danni is eschewing wearing yesterday's outfit again thanks to a Daft Punk promo t-shirt she just found in the office.

An update that manages to say both ‘I’m a bit easy’ and ‘I’m a narcissist’ in just one sentence. Quite an achievement.

Him again

Richard is most definately +1.

This is from the same scrote who wrote about the guillemots yesterday. Now I'm all for freebies, blags and press passes and all the shite that comes with them. But why boldly wave in the face of all your friends that you're the type of wanker that demands a +1 for some sort of half arsed indie-schmidie event.

What you're really saying here, of course, is - again - I work in the music biz. And what I am hearing here is 'I think I'm a shit-site more important than I really am'. Cunt.

Oh, and learn to spell definitely properly. It was the half the title of an oasis album after all, and in your line of work you think you'd know that.

Speed Demon?

Alex feels the need, the need for the speed.

And he feels this need in such a pronounced fashion that he felt the need to update his status from his PHONE. This need he feels obviously hasn't manifested itself to anything real as otherwise he'd a) be going too fast in some sort of speedboat/posh car/airplane to update from a mobile or
b) would be off his tits on cheap speed.

I'd prefer the latter.

A-muso-ing

Richard is very excited about hearing the new Guillemots album for the first time.

Or, alternatively, "I am very trendy and get to hear lots of music about a week before the rest of the populous as a result of my job working for a pointless company that no one would notice if it were to slide into insolvency".

Why does everybody want to be loved?

Kelly says says LOVE what u do... & do what u LOVE.

Not really universally sound advice that, what, say, if you are a single parent, with a crack addiction. Idiot.

Ben is flying to Rio tomorrow!!

I only include this because it's one of very very many recent ones from this young chap. Now fair play he's actually saving me cash, I've no need to go away this year as I've literally lived every step of his fucking holiday. Just send your mum a fucking post card and leave me alone.

Sue feels poorly sick... lots of kissess and TLC please, to make me better

Yeah sure, I'll be right over, that won't be weird, even though I've not seen you in the best part of a decade and we weren't even that close then. Pucker up me lovely.

Keith is up to his eyeballs in edit hell and is gutted he now has to work tomorrow... :-(.

oh fuck off, you love being in 'edit', it's no hell, it makes your little life worthwhile in your eyes.

Special insight update:::::::

What she says:

Karen is pleased she covered all essential topics with the checkout guy at Sainsburys: the legal system, God and the best kitchen utensil to beat someone on the head.

What it really means:

I'm a bit lonely and quite bored..

See also her earlier (by a few hours) work:

Karen needs a job ASAP. Anyone need anything doing for cash???